For much of early January into March I was unable to hold a device, book, or to write, draw, walk, or scroll a finger on a tracking pad. My hands and feet were very swollen and covered in second-degree burn-type blisters. The burning, deep itching and pain was awful. Wherever flesh touched flesh the skin was open and raw. The three infusions of Doxil I was able to handle were slow in getting where it needed to go and left my system at a similarly tortoise-like pace.
During this time I thought about what I would write about once I felt better. I thought a lot about how to describe not being able to make sense of my own mental state, though still being coherent enough to understand what was taking place and having thoughts on it. This was because the largest tumor was embedded near the area just a bit to the left where the two sides of the brain are joined by the corpus callosum, a thick band of nerve fibers. It is here the brain halves communicate with one another as well as other parts of the body via a highway/gateway of sorts. Basically, I had a bridge out.
Not being able to do much else I thought a lot about my word and idly watched reruns of crime shows. During an episode of “The Closer” my word was delivered. The detectives were interrogating a suspect on the why of what he did. Torn up because he couldn’t communicate it, especially under pressure, he screamed out as he slammed his palms on the table that he was “apart.” Not he “came” apart, or “fell” apart nor was he two people or twenty or two or three hundred like Sybil – he was himself – though he was apart.
I played it back probably twenty times.
To suddenly be closed within your own body and unable to accurately process your simplest conscious demands on it is pretty tough stuff. You will – not may –will – need someone to discuss these feelings with who can help with your emotional and spiritual self. I so appreciate Tammy Billups for her work with Boo and me. She has taught me and lent me a “clearing” of the present emotions along with the unpacking of the 747 I have been carrying my past emotional cargo around in. It is very important to have a person or an entity – shaman, spiritual leader, psychologist, pastor or faith leader, therapist, healer – whatever and whoever you are comfortable with that has some type of training to discuss your emotions and help you release them.
What cancer takes out of you physically, mentally and emotionally is crushing. Your weaknesses show out where your personal dark energy thrives – the place you go to store and side-eye peek at stuff you don’t allow anyone else access to. Sometimes these visits to our personal dark energy cave can be difficult to endure, though in that darkness is an opportunity to find much, much clarity. After a dark energy visit step out into the sunlight and claim it as your own, physically wave your arms to the sun to cast out the darkness of your conquest and make room for a growing force within you never realized possible.
Apart or still together, this darkness can absolutely spontaneously illuminate with the heavenly golden glow of the most precious light of hope and grace. The choice is always our own.